The Irony of Strength

I have often heard people speak of not having the strength to remain clean and sober or not having the strength to avoid temptation. While it is true that it does require both mental and spiritual strength to achieve any level of success getting and staying clean and sober, I have always found it ironic that people don’t believe they possess the strength to do so.

How much strength does it take to bear the pain of your addiction? How much strength does it take to keep fighting the awful truth that you have a drug and alcohol problem? How much strength does it take to continually lie to those who love you and are trying to save you? It takes an enormous amount of strength to continually live in misery.

Perhaps if all of that fight and strength was directed at not drinking or using for one single day you would be one day closer to true happiness.

Is A.A. the only way to get clean and sober?

Is completing the 12 steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program the only way to achieve and keep a life free of drugs and alcohol?

I’m going to speak for myself on this question.  When I finally hit bottom and realized that I did indeed have a drug and alcohol problem, I was introduced to A.A. by a fellow resident of the half-way house I was living in.  During my first meeting I saw and heard things that made me feel both comforted as well as terribly uncomfortable.  Most of the people I met greeted me warmly and seemed genuinely concerned for me. Others seemed to be annoyed by the presence of someone so young in their meeting.  I heard catch phrases like just for today, keep it simple and let go and let God.  At that stage in my life, let go and let God scared the crap out of me.  I had absolutely no relationship with a God or any intention to begin one.  I did believe that I was capable of embracing one day at a time and that was about it.

What really mattered to me was changing the absolute hell my life had become.  I didn’t want to feel the misery that was with me every waking minute.  The drugs and the alcohol couldn’t mask the pain I felt any longer, I wanted it to stop.  I was willing to do anything at all to make it all go away.  What that meant for me, was to continue to attend the A.A. meetings.

My view is this; if I was truly willing to do anything to find peace and all these people were telling me this was the way, then I had to at least give it a try.  Sure there were things and people within the program to find fault with but if there was even a small chance that it would work, I had to try.  If I wasn’t willing to try, then it didn’t matter what 12 step programs, book or medicine I tried.  It was never going to succeed.

So is it possible to get clean and sober (and stay that way) without A.A.?  Lots of things are possible, space travel, spontaneous combustion…etc.  There seems to be a better chance of success with A.A.

I’m still clean and sober 24 years later.  If I can do it, you can too.

http://soberconversation.blogspot.com/

How did you get sober?

If you have read my blog before, you know that I’ve been clean and sober for quite a while now and I typically write about my challenges and successes in staying sober.  While I do speak to adolescents at the treatment facility I graduated from, my focus has been on “I’m sober, now what?” for the last few years.  My nearly 25 years of sobriety have allowed me to become an average guy with a family, mortgage, goals, a fledgling writing career, ambition and all of the challenges that come with trying to live the American dream.  None of which would be possible if I were still drinking and doing drugs.

I got sober at the very young age of 16.  I spent 3 days in a coma after an overdose, spent time in 2 psychiatric hospitals, a half-way house and 5 months in rehab.  I am extremely fortunate to be alive and able to put together a full sentence.  

The one question everyone has for me is “How did you get sober?”  

I don’t think it’s possible to properly describe my journey in a few paragraphs but here are some of the most important reasons.

Bottom – I reached my bottom with a coma.  For me there really was only prison and death left if I continued the life I was leading.  I absolutely had to change.

People – I was fortunate to have met many level headed, patient, and dedicated people in treatment facilities and Alcoholics Anonymous that gave both their time and energy.  Without them I may not be writing this.

Belief – Call it whatever your comfortable with; God, the Universe, your Higher Power… I believed that there was a better life for me.  I believed that had to be some sunshine in my future.  I didn’t know what it was or where to find it, but I believed that I would find it if I stayed clean and sober just for today.

Hard Work – I did the things that I had to whether I wanted to or not.  I stayed away from people and places I knew were trouble.  I went to meetings every day.  I asked myself hard the hard questions even when I didn’t like the answers.  I drank water and soda.

The good news is that if I can do it, anyone can do it.

How are you doing today?

My Identity Keeps Me Clean and Sober

The last two years have been extremely challenging for me. I had to close my printing company to avoid getting further in debt, the economy has made it very difficult to find a rewarding job that pays anywhere close to what I’m used to making, my confidence has been shaken and I’ve begun to question many things I believe in. Perhaps it is a perfect storm of self- doubt, bad economic times, getting laid off and the fact that I just turned 40!

What hasn’t changed is my sobriety. If ever there was a time to rationalize smoking a joint or having a drink it would have been in the last year. Never once during that time did I ever considered drugs or alcohol as a form of relief or escape. Why is that? I took some time to really think about why I’m still clean and sober for over 24 years now.

During my struggle with drugs and alcohol, the thing that kept me using and drinking was my identity. A drunk and an addict was what I knew and who I was. I didn’t believe that better things were ahead of me, I didn’t have hopes and dreams, and I certainly didn’t believe that I deserved a better life than I was living. I believed that I was a screw-up, I believed that any effort to better myself was a waste of time and that if I could just get wasted, none if it would matter. Those beliefs kept me looking for the next high to ease the pain instead of dealing with the source of the pain.

Ironically it is my beliefs that have kept me clean and sober for all of these years. I don’t look to drugs and alcohol to solve my problems because that’s no who I am now. Getting wasted isn’t even on my radar screen because I’m not that person any more. My focus is on fixing the problem instead of running away from it. My thoughts and behaviors over the last 24 years have created a new healthy identity a strong as my old destructive identity. Years ago how I viewed myself kept me from getting sober, now how I view myself keeps me from being a drunk.

What is your identity?

WHY?

I was helping a friend pick up a couch at Jordan’s furniture on Sunday and on the ride back he asked me a bunch of questions about my sobriety. He is not an alcoholic but was curious about my ‘story’. He asked me the usual questions such as; don’t you miss it, why did you stop and what kind of trouble did you get into? I answered all of those questions easily but the last question made me stop and think. He asked if there was a defining moment in my recovery that has kept me sober for almost 23 years. After thinking it over for a second I realized that in addition to the help I received in my 6 month stay in rehab and the help I received from my friends in AA, the thing that made the difference to me was that I embraced the change in myself. I truly transformed while in rehab. This change didn’t happened until nearly 5 months into my stay, but it happened. I started looking for reasons why life would be better and reasons for staying sober instead of always looking for proof that life sucked and that I should get wasted. I embraced the change in myself and created a new identity. I stopped thinking of my self as the screw-up and started thinking of myself as someone that had plans and goals. I liked this new person and didn’t want to go back to the life I was leading. I was ready for the change and made it permanent. I hope everyone has the same success that I have enjoyed.

Aaron M. Duke

Deep denial about my drug and alcohol problem.

For those of you who don’t know me, I have been clean and sober for nearly 23 years.  I nearly killed myself before realizing that I had a problem with booze and drugs.  My denial was strong and it was coupled with my ignorance.  It never occurred to me that the life I was living was much different than the life of my friends and schoolmates.  At some point it should have occurred to me that I had never received a single invitation to the psychiatric hospitals and rehabs.  Psychiatrists, family members and emergency room doctors had placed me there without them asking me. My life was not in my control at all.

Amazingly, I wasn’t dissatisfied with the life I was living.  Denial is one thing but I really wasn’t too concerned with the fact that I was in a locked psychiatric unit wearing nothing but a hospital gown and slippers with smiley faces on the toes.  I had 3 great meals per day, absolutely no responsibility or any schedule to speak of.  I was OK with this!  Frightening, I know.

It seems to me that one of my biggest problems was a complete lack of vision, goals, dreams or desires.  It’s hard to be dissatisfied with life when you expect nothing from it.  I was in the words of Jimi Hendrix “Existing, Nothing but existing”.  There was no Why for me to get my life in order.  I was well aware of all the bad things that could happen to me. My family and teams of doctors had all told me of the horrors that awaited me if I continued down my path of drug and alcohol abuse. It is hard to change when you have no dissatisfaction with the way things are.  What was missing was all of the wonderful things that would happen if I gained control of my life.  These were things that I had never considered or dreamt about. As it turns out they included marrying an amazing woman, raising two happy little boys, owning a business for ten years and helping others to find happiness.  I am happy and blessed.

What are your goals, dreams or desires?

- Aaron M. Duke

Community Speaking Engagement

Do you know someone that struggles with an addiction? Would you recognize the signs in your teenager? – Join me for a discussion about how answering 5 basic questions can help beat an addiction and lead to happiness.

Register Today!

Carver Public Library – September 17th from 6:30 – 7:30pm

108 Main Street Carver, MA 02330

508-866-3415

Aaron M. Duke – soberduke@gmail.com

What had to change to make it better?

If you have read my book or know anything about me, you know that I got clean and sober at the very young age of 16. You can make the argument that I was too young to truly be addicted and have done any real damage, but destroying my family life, stays in four different hospitals and a 3-day coma are all the proof I needed.

So what was it that not only got me clean and sober but kept there for 22 years and counting?

Two things; comfort level and identity. I was pretty used to being “the screw up” in my family and at school. It was who I was. It was how I acted. I wasn’t thrilled with my place in life but it was easy and comfortable. Changing who I was would mean changing what I did and how I thought, which would be right out of my comfort zone. I guess the pain I knew was easier to tolerate than the pain I didn’t know.

- Aaron M. Duke

When my dissatisfaction with my situation (yes it took a coma to make me dissatisfied) became greater than my resistance to change, I finally got clean and sober. What kept me sober was the change in my identity. I started to believe that I was person with potential as opposed to a screw up. I started building on small success that backed up my beliefs that I had potential. After receiving my one year medallion it really hit home that this is who I am now. I was a seventeen year old sober guy that had many friends and supporters in AA an NA, went on commitment meetings to speak with people in other groups and I was actually enjoying it. I wasn’t tempted to go back to my old life and habits because that wasn’t who I was anymore, it wasn’t what I did anymore, it just didn’t fit the new me. If you are interested in building igloos then bags of hot sand wouldn’t interest you.  Just one man’s opinion.

How do you get clean and sober and then stay that way for 22 years?

I got sober when I was 16 years old. I know it seems awfully young but it was precipitated by stays in 2 psychiatric hospitals, a suicide attempt/drug overdose, a 3-day coma, a halfway house and a 5 month long stay in a rehab. I did a lot of damage in a few short years. I believe the one of the biggest reasons I got sober and stayed sober is because I completely changed my identity and circumstances. I stopped hanging around with my old friends and found new ones in NA-AA. I also took a job as a maintenance man in a rehab my town. I went to a meeting everyday without fail. I joined a group that I liked and went on commitment meeting to speak at other groups. I tried to replace all my old habits with new positive ones. No it was not easy. Life still continues to be challenging at times but for the first time in my life I believe I am in a position to be able to help others. Living a productive and positive life is not as difficult as was because I did the hard work in the beginning and didn’t quit when times got tough.

- Aaron M. Duke

Two hands on the wheel!

All the circumstances that have formed my life have all changed. Everything that I know and rely on right now will change. Some folks like change, I  am a huge fan of change. Some folks truly dislike change, my wife being one of them. Regardless of you feelings on change it is going to happen. The real trick is to understand that you have some say in how change will happen. You can either let it happen and wait for the outcome or you can affect change by your behavior and decisions. If you keep drinking and getting high the changes will not be pretty. If you stop your destructive behavior the changes will be for the better. My father told me a hundred times; ” A year from now you will be one year older. Who you are and what you are in one year is up to you”. I hope someone hears that and uses it a lot quicker than I did.

- Aaron M. Duke